Michigan Driving.....!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHAT is with people driving in Michigan? I can't for the life of me figure out what some people's problems are. There's the guy who receives a call on his cell phone and suddenly there's a dramatic reduction in speed even though he's in the fast lane. Get over to the slow lane, or get off the road if you feel the need to stop. What's with Ontario License Plates? Do they in fact force a driver to stay in first gear no matter where they drive? If you're ever on I-75 and traffic is going 40mph for no reason whatsoever, chances are the three cars you see up ahead leading the pack have that Ontario plate. I think it has something to do with seeing 65MPH Speed Limit signs, and driving 65 - KILOMETERS Per Hour.

A while back I wrote a short list of "laws" about drivers to a friend or two. I'll post that rant here for all of my four readers.

Michigan Freeway Driving Laws
(1) Any change in (slope, direction, elevation, chamber, luminescence, vehicular density per square mile, smell in the air, humidity, dew point, barometric pressure, consumer price index, time, etc) shall direct the Michigan Driver to immediately reduce forward velocity by no less than 50 percent, and no more than 99%.

(2) Any combination of the factors listed in Rule (1) shall result in the immediate termination of forward velocity without concern for the safety and well being of self and/or other drivers.

Rules (1) and (2) do not require a preponderance of observable evidence, merely a slight inclination that any of the mentioned factors may in fact be present in the general area, or within the same zip code.
After adhering with the common law recommendations of Rules (1) and (2), Michigan Drivers must arbitrarily decide that “the scene” is safe to proceed. Michigan Drivers need not actually take note of their physical surroundings or any possible hinderance to forward velocity.

(3) Vehicles on the side of the road are to be examined by the Michigan Driver, every Michigan Driver has been issued an armchair traffic investigator badge with their most recent driver’s license renewal. At a minimum, each driver must create elaborate charts, graphs, and a 1/10 scale model diorama that reenacts what they believe had actually happened. If possible, create a power point presentation with interviews from actual witnesses, victims, and innocent passers-by. When the Michigan Driver reaches a point perpendicular/parallel (depending on the angle of the disabled car) to that of the furthest disabled vehicle, the driver must then attempt to set a PR in land speed acceleration. Michigan Driver(s) are cautioned to remain aware of Rules (1) and (2).

(4)Cell phones were not invented to cause distraction to OTHER Michigan Drivers. Cell phones were invented to give drivers more time in their day. Cell phones, and any other telecommunication device, shall be used in such a manner that adherence to the following “rules” are to be avoided:

Minimum and Maximum Speeds – drive at the speed your conversation is going, not the speed(s) posted or the speed at which traffic is flowing.
Lanes – drive in the lane your conversation takes you. If your conversation jumps from topic to topic without warning, shift lanes, at the speed your conversation is going, with each change in topic also without warning
Pulling over to talk – This action is NEVER to be taken. This will only result in creating situations mentioned in Rules (1) and (2), possibly (3). That could be a waste of graph paper.
Finally, multi-tasking – Michigan Drivers using cell phones should always attempt to finish reading an article, compare thesis notes, take pictures of disabled cars with the camera function (see Rule (3), eat dinner, change their child’s diaper, finish applying make-up, shave, invent a new word, tie their shoe(s), not hold the wheel, etc…